I am so weary of the pain,
exhausted by the all too
evident progress of decay
that encompasses this
bitterly physical life.
The very sensual being
that I had once reveled in
has betrayed me, left me
to rot on jagged angry
and most sullied stones.
There are nights when
cringing in injury
I crawl into bed and beg
the gods for something
like a decent rest.
They laugh at me,
but then of course they do,
so true is the course of life
that pleasure must inevitably
give way to the inescapable.
I close my eyes and breathe,
and breathe again, listening
to patterns of pathetic
failure, organic structures
struggling to find peace.
(living with Crohn’s Disease)
I listen to the grumbling within
feeling rivers of throbbing pain
coursing through my flesh,
cursing the vulnerability of being.
When the sun rises high enough,
I hobble to my seat outside
and watch my weans at play.
Which helps. For a time.
But the mind turns once more within
as the next wave of pain
rolls callously, carving inside me,
forcing me to close my eyes.
You never stop seeing, though,
or feeling, especially in the depths
of the broken man you have grown into,
moaning for an end. For peace.
In youth we consume fantasies
like an endless supply of sweets,
creating innumerable potentialities,
most of which fade into the past.
But now I thrive on the sweet realities
of my beautiful wife, my weans.
Yet I still talk to the glowing moon
and wander worlds I have never seen.
And I keep going.
this flesh so leathery seeks my soul to define
these pains cringing me, collapsing my laughter
fearfully i grasp at cushions soaked in sweat
as the next wave of agony crashes through me
incessant sobbing becomes a welcomed release
a reminder that this assault on my inner being
had a beginning and must necessarily reach an end
otherwise what point could perpetuate this life
minutes accumulate into hours stretched tight
as fetally i companion the night craving the glow
of dawn, harbinger of a day without suffering
a day when i might reject the taunts of this flesh
and define my soul
by the finer lines
and gentler embrace
of love’s infinite hope
Salt Lake City 14 Sep 2012